Guest Post: Why I Can't Stand Roughkat

We here at the Truth About Roughkat like to take a break from our campaign against Roughkat and hand the reins over to other internet opinion leaders so they, too, can let the world know about the perfidy of Roughkat. Today's guest is Jame Gumm. Mr. Gumm, the floor is yours.

I find Roughkat to be deplorable. For one, he--LEAVE PRECIOUS ALONE! PRECIOUS!

Sorry about that. Anyhoo, like I was saying, Roughkat's just not a good guy. For example, you ever try to make a patchwork suit out of the skin of multiple women, and all you want to know is if the next donor is a Size 14? Yeah, well you know who won't help you out? Roughkat, that's who.

As if that's n--IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN! Man, sorry about that, it's just, man, chicks, you know? Gotta go.

50K Is A Lot of Running, We Guess

It's come to the attention of the staffers at The Truth About Roughkat that Roughkat (pictured) is running a 50K on Saturday. Although we don't acknowledge the metric system here (too girly), we know that this is still a hell of a lot of patriotic miles, and wish him the best of luck in not tipping over and dying. We prefer our enemies (and make no mistake, we remain Roughkat's Worst Enemy: The Truth) shamed and in hiding, not deceased.

Put An Asterisk On That Cow

Roughkat (pictured), also known as "Rupert," "Uruguay," "Thorn Savagewood," and "Tracii," used performance enhancers to achieve RandBall's Commenter of the Week for the week of January 14th-January 20th. This according to documents acquired exclusively by this blog and extensive hearsay.

Allegations surfaced on Friday, January 19th after Roughkat posted a series of comments and YouTube links that were timely, pithy and hilarious. "It's like he was in a zone," said fellow RandBall Commenter "Toonces51," the pseudonym of KARE-11 news personality Diana Pierce. "No one could touch him." Roughkat was eventually named COW on Friday afternoon by RandBall proprietor and recluse beekeeper Michael Rand.

Soon, though, suspicions arose that Roughkat had earned the honor through illegal means. In the days leading up to Friday, his posts just didn't have what is known in the internet opinion community as "zazz." How had he reversed such a trend, seemingly overnight?

Simple. This blog was able to obtain blood and urine tests from Mr. Kat on Friday night that show traces of taurine, hemoglobin, caffeine, alcohol, glucose and protein. This potent cocktail, known on the street as "HTML Heroin," has been used by other disgraced internet opinion leaders to boost performance, stay conscious for marathon sessions of World of Warcraft and ward off distracting members of the opposite sex.

"I have to admit, I saw it coming," said RandBall Commenter "Stu," who refused to give his real name to this blog. Mr. Obama continued, "There's just no way you can reference Mike Lynn and the Great Outdoors in the same 24-hour period without some aid. Vote for me on February 5th."

Local crackpot Paul Peter Paulos agreed. In a 12,500 word single-spaced e-mail he sent to the Maple Plain Penny Saver, Paulos wrote that, "Phat (sic) Williams is a smaly (sic) fat person and you litle (sic) boyz (sic) won't admitt (sic) it and Ruppert (sic) is on something. Packers."

Roughkat could not be reached for comment on this story. His attorney, S. U. Perrookie, said all questions would be answered in short order in his next appearance in the Star Tribune, slated for Wednesday's Taste section.